On Death

Wrestling with the end

On Death

“If I take death into my life, acknowledge it, and face it squarely, I will free myself from the anxiety of death and the pettiness of life — and only then will I be free to become myself.”

― Martin Heidegger

I sprung into action that time I was hiking in the Colombian jungle.

A girl in my group slipped and hit her head then, twenty minutes later once the adrenaline wore off, fainted sending her entire body limp. Her boyfriend and I picked her up and laid her flat on the ground then I stood by shaking until she regained consciousness. I didn’t know she had only fainted and, by the desperation in her boyfriend's voice screaming her name, neither did he. 

Just a few days before on a white sand Colombian beach, I watched from thirty feet back through gaps in a frenzied crowd as a man went into cardiac arrest, waves unforgivingly lapping up on his feet as he lay there helpless.

Three European doctors on vacation walked by as it happened. The man’s daughter screamed with terror as they performed CPR then, splashing in knee-high water, loaded his unmoving body onto a rescue boat. One of the doctors hoisted himself aboard and continued performing chest compressions as the boat roared away for help.

Those days still haunt me.

That’s when I started thinking about death every day.

~~~

1. Fear of Death

Part of me envies all the other animals who stuck to the status quo and never evolved enough to figure out that they, along with everyone else they love and depend on, will inescapably turn back into the pile of tragic dust they came from in some unpredictable number of years.

But our damned great ancestors decided to climb down from trees and start walking around upright some four to seven million years ago¹ which set us on a path to realize that life ends in one way: 

Death.

I once told my friend, Colin, that I wanted to be a rock for everyone in my life. 

Solid. Dependable. Reliable.

But what will I do when, like that day in Colombia, someone has a heart attack in front of me except, this time, it’s someone I love? Or when I receive the call that sends me into a depth of sadness I’ve never known?

I’m much more fearful of losing everyone I love and how I’ll react in those moments of unbearable upheaval than my own death. Lurking sudden and unexpected, death’s certain to wash over me and force me to meet a part of myself I never knew existed. A part of myself I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready to meet.

Our time on this rock is unforgettably finite. 

Rather than pushing the inevitability of our demise and the tragic grief we’ll have to endure at the expiry of the people we love to a dark and unexcavated part of our minds, let’s talk about it…

~~~

2. Death Gives Life

I quit a job I didn’t love to pursue more meaningful work.

I spent three weeks roaming Italy with my girlfriend.

I travelled to Spain, France, Egypt, and Argentina with my dad.

I spent ten days in Rio de Janeiro then a month in Buenos Aires with my brother.

I visited Costa Rica, Galapagos, Peru, and Thailand with my mom and stepdad.

I’ve been to Colombia, Istanbul, Prague, Vietnam, and many other cities and countries, some with friends and others alone.

I’ve visited the West Coast of Canada with friends to hike and camp and see family four years in a row.

I quit drinking and ran half marathons and beyond. I’ve published something online every week for over two years and appeared on a podcast. I’ve fasted for 90 hours and dove twenty meters below the sea and hiked 100km in three days through the jagged Rockies.

While my ultimate goal is to free myself from the anxiety of death many years before I meet my own, I’d be amiss to dismiss the usefulness of remembering death.

Because I fixated on death, I’ve made decisions that will help me meet my end and the fate of those I love with regretless grace².

These outcomes stemmed from asking one question — when I’m 99 years old resting on my deathbed, what decision will I have wish that I made? — then making the challenging, anxiety-inducing, stupid-on-paper decision that my authentic self whispered as the answer.

Letting death into my life kicked me out of autopilot and forced me to slow down and live deliberately. To prioritize the important things and the people I love. To apologize quickly and to release bitterness, mistakes, and grudges. To let genuinity guide my life, courageously pursuing that which makes me feel alive, even when it sounds crazy.

~~~

3. Prepare & Let Go

“Let our advance worrying become advance thinking and planning.”

— Winston Churchill

How can I prevent myself and those closest to me from dying a painful, tragic, early, or sudden death?

I started writing to help myself and my family and friends live longer, healthier, and more purposeful lives.

By learning about what causes death (heart disease, cancer, neurodegenerative diseases, and metabolic disorders) we can influence our expiration date by taking lipid panels and coronary calcium scans, screening for cancer, improving metabolic health through exercise, diet, sleep, and so on. 

In addition to my longevity self-education delivered through this newsletter, I’ve been procrastinating taking a CPR and basic emergency aid course. Proficient in those skills, I won’t be forced to stand there with my hands in my pockets as someone takes their final breaths in front of me.

Other than being proactive through healthy habits, working with my doctor to manage my lipid and metabolic health and cancer screening later in my life, learning first aid to prepare for an emergency, and badgering those around me to do the same, there’s nothing else I can do to prevent sudden or premature death. 

Everything else lives outside my circle of control and worrying about that which you cannot control only induces untamable stress and anxiety.

Despite my preemptive sadness for the people I know I’ll lose in this life, I’m trying to loosen my grip on the uncontrollable… 

~~~

4. Liberation

In low moments when I remember my only way out of this world, death, life feels like a cruel rollercoaster ride I can’t get off. 

But the awareness of my eventual demise has given me a life richer than I could have created if I thought I’d go on living forever. Death gives more than it takes. As I live, death gives me direction and purpose to pursue the things and people I love. Once I’m gone, my death will breathe life into something else and, if I’ve lived right, will enrich the lives of my descendants through stories shared around a campfire and maybe even my library of weekly writings.

Death will take my life and the lives of everyone I love in an unexpected blur. But it’s only taking back what it’s given me in abundance day after day for the entirety of my existence: life.

After all, the end is what gives a story meaning. 

~~~

Subscribe to my newsletter and die less early…

Thank you Master of Chaos,

CansaFis Foote

, for your incredibly invaluable edits on the first draft. My thoughts on death have been clarified and organized thanks to you.

If you liked this, you may enjoy my post on ageing better:

We have low expectations for old age

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On a boat in Thailand with three of the most important people in my life.

Lots of love,

Jack

1. Humans left trees 4.2 million years ago, Timeline of human evolution

2. Notice I bolded who these travels were with. The most important thing in my life is the people I love. When the end is near, everything else will fade into complete insignificance. I’ve gone to great efforts to prioritize those people to ensure I do not regret spending too little time with them. I highly encourage you to read a short article called The Tail End by Tim Urban. It will change how you think about the shortness of life and the time you have left with your favourite people.